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bitch please...
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
[ << Previous 25 ]
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2008.09.06 17.31
thanks for everything
i'm leaving lj.
it's kinda sad, like saying goodbye to the one friend who's always been there, through the good, bad, and even boring times.
the friend that welcomes me back with open arms and gives me what i need just like old times, even after losing touch for so long
the friend that's kept me strong during my weakest moments, kept me humble throughout my highest
the friend that's kept me sane for four and a half years.
how does one explain their decision to cut these ties for good?
it's hard to find words.
change? growth? drifting? none of these quite hit the mark.
i've got to move on, you've done your job livejournal, but you hold too many memories and i need to spread the wings you've given me.
thanks for everything.
taylorich.blogspot.com
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2008.09.03 13.22
she's baaaack
well, it's been quite some time since i last updated.
i thought i was done with livejournal and blogging in general, having had no urge to write since my last post, but i suppose it's when we think we know what we want that things suddenly get changed up; in anything and everything, really.
strange though, normally i write when i'm less than content or the complete opposite: ecstatic about something... or someone.
but today, i'm at a happy medium.
perhaps this onset of my need to write spurred from my absolute boredom at work?
i'm usually able to find something to occupy myself with during all the downtime i have, but i had a snickers and it's upped my energy to a level so high that reading, crosswords, and even facebook bumper-stickering are intolerable activities at the moment.
this jumpy, antsy feeling brings me back to high school, when just the thought of sitting in class made me go ADD.
ugh.
i shouldn't have had that snickers. and coke. and all that candy last night. the glucose in my bloodstream must be at such an unhealthy level right now. darn that diabetes test, making me feel like it's ok to eat anything, now that i'm only on high watch or whatever.
of course, i have to go again in about 2 1/2 months, so i probably should be watching my sugar intake more than ever!
ah, well.
anywho, as you can see, i'm all over the place right now. my mind's buzzing with so much and i can't help but jump from thought to thought.
i've been inspired lately, an ability i feared i had lost. i've been without a piano for 3 months, but even in may when i had one at my disposal, i didn't have the freedom to compose, or even play in general.
the last time i was able to sit and jot down lyrics as i matched them to chords was on my own keyboard, which i left in new york in dec. 2007.
the first few months were difficult, but i slowly lost the need. i had nothing to write about, so having nothing to write on was fine.
now, i've been inspired. the past few weeks have given me much to write about, and the other night i was actually able to create words without the music, something i've always had a hard time doing.
the fact that i'm wanting to write again makes me feel a bit more whole, but the sad realization that i've nothing to bring those words to life with takes that piece of my heart right back.
perhaps that's why i'm blogging. i'm needing an outlet, and this is the one most available to me.
i've even started writing short stories again. who knows, maybe this lack of a musical instrument will force me to finally complete one? haha, oh dear.
speaking of work (earlier in this post, at least), there is a beehive in the top corner of our one story building, outside the entrance. not directly above the door, thank god, but in enough proximity to it that some bees get lost and find their way inside.
they then proceed to make this sickening buzzing sound as they flit their way up to the top of the window only to fall back down to the floor.
this continuous defeat doesn't stop them from trying though, 'cause i hear them all day long until i see them dead on the window sill.
fortunately, an occasional one finds it's way to the door, which in turn allows me to open the door and send them home.
the way they are able to suddenly fly again once outside is beautiful. like they've passed the test. mere accomplishment.
i know it might sound silly to compare them to us, and our fight for life, but i can't help but see the similarities.
we fight through for years and years, trying and failing, with some small successes here and there to add to our resumes, but we don't give up.
like these bees, we're looking out a window, watching the world pass us by as we dwell somewhere not far from home, but out of our security zone, attempting what needs to be done in order for us to rejoin the community of assurity that we once felt a part of.
a world where people know what they want and are able to obtain just that. a world in which the idea of true bliss exists only through perseverence.
like these bees, most will not make it.
some will give up and die earlier than the others (figuratively speaking of course).
some will keep doing what they've been doing, never changing course, until they're dead at the bottom of the window sill.
some will try different ways, speeding into the window or around the store, until they finally just fly into the light of a lamp and burn.
and some will hold on long enough to drag themselves close to the door, where they will finally feel the fresh air they've been longing for... if they don't get stepped on first.
the bees represent the reality of our dreams. don't get trapped inside the box, allow yourself to become the one the others long to be.
be the dream... be the bee. :)
Mood: creative
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2007.11.27 03.33
FFTL
ok, so when the hell did matt good replace sonny moore as lead vocals...
i feel so out of the loop, out of the know, out of the scene.
BUT HOLY SHIT. this is beautiful. if only i had cori and ashley to share my excitement with.
oh god, nostalgia. NOT what i need right now.
"NOTE TO SELF: i miss you terribly."
Mood: ahhhhhhh!!
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2007.11.20 02.53
ghastly. aghast. a ghost. all goes.
is it? i think it is.
i've only been able to do this once before, so it must be.
but perhaps it's just the intangibility, unattainability, the lacking ability, of it all.
i don't know, really. do we ever?
rock me, amadeus.
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2007.10.13 13.40
On Feeling Happy:
"I've got hoes in different area codes."
I'm back and in beige baby. (What do brown and white make?)
OK. So I think I left the matter of moving too open-ended. I guess news travels faster than I anticipated, but now people are awaiting my long overdue arrival. For those who keep asking, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED: (And I know no one reads LJ, but I can't bring myself to stop writing here and begin writing on Facebook directly, so I have every entry auto-imported to FB. Just FYI.)
I love New York. I love the people I left behind in California. In April, my initial decision to move to NY was so I could get my shit together, save enough money while paying no rent at my grandmother's house to move back by the end of August and be able to live on my own back in Irvine, all the while having the fear that I would end up never wanting to leave. My instincts were right and I instantly fell more in love with the city than I already was. August came, and I informed everyone of my decision to stay for an undecided length of time. Unfortunately, all hell broke loose -for the thousandth time in my life- shortly after. My mother moved to NY to stay in the one bedroom apt that my grandmother, uncle and I already shared until she would be able to get herself on her own feet. I thought things would be civil and less of a battle for control between mother and daughter. I thought this because I no longer was living under her roof, we were merely living under the same roof. Boy, was I wrong. The detail that I managed to overlook was the fact that now my mother and I were living under my grandmother's roof, a woman often referred to as the "queen bee" of the controlling Rich family. This turned into a doubly difficult fight for me. No longer was I fighting for myself against my mother, and she her mother, I was battling my grandmother as well.
Now those of you who don't know my mother, don't even bother trying to read between the lines and see why it was "so bad" judging from what I've said. No one even partly understands unless they have seen the manipulation first-hand.
Bottom line, things got to be too much. I was miserable living in that household. Sleeping arrangements: Mother on a cot in the bedroom next to my drugged up uncle on the cigarette burned bed, and my grandmother on a twin-sized in the living room perpendicular to the couch on which I slept. Things started getting physical due to people becoming violently angry and frustrated with one another. I had to get out. I thought at that moment that this was a sign for me to go home to California, instead of seeing it as only pushing me to tear myself away from family. But I needed my friends, and a life aside from work again, so I didn't think twice about what life was really trying to whisper in my ear.
I gave my boss two weeks notice, but agreed to stay one month since it would take a while to find someone to replace me with time left for me to train them. During that month, I started staying with friends. Being out of that house in the Bronx cleared my negative thinking and caused me to breathe before making a decision based on me "running away", because as much I would like to deny it, that's exactly what I was doing. Things got tough here, I wasn't feeling truly happy, and I knew running back to before would have me at least content. But is that what we search for in life? Contentment? Going through the motions because it's what feels right? No, that's not for me.
That last week, I started going out with friends more because I was staying closer to Manhattan and a cab ride home cost much less than the usual $40.00 which always deterred me away from hanging out with people late at night. I realized that I had misconceptions that my friends who are mostly all older (23+) always just go out to clubs and to bars, and that there is much more to do than that. I mean, hell, this is NY. There's a different lifestyle here. And it takes some adjustment because for the first few months, all I wanted to do was sit around in someone's room playing drinking games, and it killed me that there was no one to do that with. Now? I'm temporarily living with guys who come home from work and crack open a beer, and all I can think is "Nah. I'd rather go eat some good food." I used to hate going to bars (no I.D., just connections, baby) but now I find them pretty fun. When you go with a bunch of friends, and not just for "drinks" after a date, it's pretty great. I can be loud without feeling like the loudest. It's like I blend in, but still stand out. Bottom line is, I'm realizing that NY takes a while to get used to, and for me, not having friends to hang out with every night in the beginning really put me in a bad place. I wanted what I was used to. But I see now that it takes time, and when I go to school in January with people my own age who do throw house parties, I think I will feel totally complete. More so than I've ever felt before.
And as for boys? Everyone who really knows me, knows I have to feel loved by the male species at all times, and like a kid without her toys, if there aren't enough and if they aren't ever-changing, I become fussy and utterly discontent. It used to bother me that men played such a huge role in the mood of my existence, but I have come to terms with the fact that I am in fact totally boy-crazy and have been since Kindergarten, if not before, and embracing it is all I can do. Some people can't be happy without drugs and alcohol, while some can't live without sex. For me, I'm addicted to being loved. In the broader scale of things, is that really so bad? For the victims, yes, but not so much for me! :)
I'm finally no longer the same triangle trying to fit into a square hole. I haven't changed, I'm still the same, but I've adjusted. I've figured it out and I've found my place here. The boys -ahem- men are once more aplenty, my friendships are growing stronger, and my happy meter just might be where it was circa 2005. New York is where I not only need to be, but it's where I want to be.
Moving back to California was a decision based solely off of my MO: compulsivity to follow my heart, and not my head. The night before my flight back home, I realized that wanting to be back with friends was not a grown up decision, and if that's what I'm trying to do, then I needn't take that route. The decision to stay was the hardest and scariest I have ever made, but I'm glad I had the guts to make it.
Life is not the board game that I have yet to play, it is something unpredictable and nerve-racking. It can be the most beautiful panoramic view ever imaginable, and then the ugliest and steepest fall through sadness that roller coaster experts have never tested. But in the end, it is truly the only thing which is completely ours for the taking, and if we don't act now, then what is there to look forward to? Old age living with regret? When I first stated that I was staying in New York, the thought that everyone would hate me for making such a rash decision and not coming back rattled me for days. I felt like everyone would take it personally and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I almost flew back just so that I would make everyone else happy. Sooo not mature thinking, huh?
Well, all I can say is, I miss everyone more than I bet people think I do, but I am happy. So be happy for me, ok?
Mood:  complacent
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2007.09.27 00.50
i'm newyorfornian.
somehow i find myself in the same situation over and over when it comes to matters of the heart.
i like them until they like me.
each one, i think is different from the last.
each one, my heart aches more for.
and when they are truly unattainable,
i work even harder at it until finally i break.
this- this way of loving, it's not a good way of living,
but i don't know how to fix it, i don't know how to fix myself...
hopping into a cab, i ask: "so what's your story?"
cabbie responds: "i must have done something real bad in my past life to deserve being a cabdriver."
i <3 ny?
Mood:  exhausted
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2007.09.05 17.03
ewwwwww. you are so annoying,
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2007.08.18 01.48
el oh es tee
what am i doing
do i really want to act... for a living?
i don't ever make too much of an effort to attend auditions,
and i don't even realize that i haven't been called back until someone asks how it went.
i think i just want to do that for fun, on the side, and that if i pursued it as a career, it would be solely for easy money.
i want to be a teacher.
i want to teach eleventh grade english.
at canyon.
but maybe i don't. it's always been an option, but perhaps i'm choosing it because i'm still stuck on high school?
how do i decide whether or not to be serious about college, when i could quite possibly wake up one day a few years from now, be over high school, and regret the path i took.
it feels like i'm the only one who doesn't know where i'm going
perhaps that's because as opposed to most others, i've never been pushed into any certain field, thus i am struggling with trying to figure it all out for myself.
i guess it's easy to get lost when you're following your heart.
Mood:  nauseated
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2007.07.07 01.17
i guess taylor can be spelled h-a-p-p-y
it's been a while, i know.
which is actually quite a good thing since i really only ever feel the need to post when i'm not in the happiest of moods.
not to say i'm not happy, i'm just a little... sentimental and "back in that place" for the time being.
i suppose it's the start of summer that has me missing home, knowing that everyone's out with one another, and probably not even realizing i'm gone.
i'm missing high school and last summer alot lately. the innocence of everything, everyone so carefree.
i'm up and down when it comes to the specific aspect that has had me down for quite some time, but thankfully the roller coaster i'm riding has had more "clack-clack-clack-clack"'s then "AHHHHHHH"'s lately.
i'm feeling good though overall. i love my job, i have my family, and my friends are great.
i'm finally beginning to get my shit together, i just wish i had some of the old ties that i know would help me feel a little bit more found.
missing it, missing you, i'm drinking alone at a table for two.
"luv",
t-rizzle
Mood:  alright
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2007.05.08 04.33
i really shoould have learned imparfait, and/aka future tense...
Je pense choses est bien.
Nous sommes commencement etre amies encore, merci Dieu.
J'avais manque' lui beaucoup.
J'ai appris quel que choses de moi ce soir ce j'espere aide moi a grandir.
i have control issues, man.
and they are worse than i ever thought.
I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE MY MOTHER'S DAUGHTER.
it's a process, but i will prevail! :)
Mood: hopeful
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2007.05.02 21.18
Bitter-Sweet-Bitter.
Mon pere appele moi aujourd'hui et dit moi qu'il d'avoir la chirgurie de la coeur encore. Je suis tres desole pour deux raisons:
1. Le raison evident, il est mon pere et je ne veux pas a perdre lui, comme j'ai perdu quel qu'un d'autre.
2. Aujourd'hui's evenement marques la commencement de quel que chose marveilleux. Quel que chose que j'ai ruine'. Je rappele' le sensation de confort comme il tenu ma main pendant j'ai pleure'.
Je suis effraye' que parce que j'ai perdu quel qu'un de importance que avoir a fait avec le moment, ce signife je perdu quel qu'un d'autre tres important a moi.
Deux personnes innocente, et un person qui ruine' tout. Quoi un memoire bon avec un mal? Et est karma a recontrer moi par mon pere?...
S'il vous plait, Dieu... aide'.
Mood: worried
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2007.05.01 17.51
omgosh
ok. here we go.
ten minutes until "exposed" airs.
oh, god. this is gonna be so embarrassing.
i'm starting to wish i didn't tell everyone to watch. haha
oh geeeeeez. it's gonna be the most cheesarific thing ever seen. eeeeek!
i can't stop giggling to myself. !! :)
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2007.05.01 00.46
Auditions, Schmauditions
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I totally bombed my audition today, but it's so ok! I walked out of the room with a bigger smile on my face than when I went in.
I know, I know. Most people would be so upset with themselves for "failing", but I didn't fail! There was only success today.
Not only did I land an actual job better than I could have imagined, but I started on the long, long journey to becoming a working actress as well.
I sang a few notes off-key at a different speed than the accompanist, I messed up the lyrics, and I cracked on the most crucial note, but I did it.
I stuck it through and auditioned. in New York. in THE REAL WORLD.
Out here on my own (haha, no pun intended for you Broadway fans), and pounding the pavement as my mother would say.
I feel so incredibly good right now.
Things are coming together, I'm doing what I need to do, I'm on the road to making things happen.
I sat idle for so long that I think my brain just got stuck in sad mode, but now that there's some constructive activity outside of the social realm,
I'm suddenly back to how I used to be.
It's like walking the streets of Manhattan caused a sudden boost of serotonin in me or something.
I guess heartbreak is hard for everyone, but when you're unemployed and unenrolled, friends become your only outlet, and that makes it harder.
But now that I am FINALLY where I want to be, making money and pursuing my dream, I can heal the way others do... or i guess just other?
ANYWAYS. I can't explain the level of FEELIN' GOOD that I am at right now, and I'm not even going to attempt it!
It's true, I just needed to start getting my life together for everything to fall into place.
:) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. I think the people of NY view me as another crazy subway dweller seeing as how on the ride home tonight, I thought about my memorable "What's wrong with all this stuff?" mess-up and Paul's contorted face as he tried so hard not to break character on stage... and started laughing hysterically to myself. Oh, God. I'm laughing now. Haha!
"I'm gonna make it after all!!" - Mary Tyler Moore
Mood: indescribable
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2007.04.29 03.25
still.
Have you ever been so sad that if you close your eyes and sit real still, you can feel your skin tingling from the vibrations of your bones as they tremble in an effort to not fall apart?
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2007.04.27 04.09
"I break in two over you, I'd break in two for you."
JESUS.
I am pathetic.
After reading over the last entry, I realize how truly weak I have let myself become.
I assure you readers of my LJ, if it was anyone else who had possession of my heart, I would not be the emotional rag doll torn to shreds that I am at the moment.
Or perhaps I would be, but wouldn't allow others to see that side of me for fear I would be viewed as brittle and helpless, words I would never have wanted to be categorized under.
Now? Who cares, I say. Vulnerability is what it is, and I refuse to hide behind a false wall of unbreakable smiles.
I'm hurt, I'm broken, I'm wounded, I'm falling more and more apart as the second hand makes its rounds.
I think to myself, "Wow. If he even bothers to read this, he must really be glad he stepped out of my life. He must look at me like some sad girl from a movie produced for the female demographic that sits on a couch for months eating ice cream and drinking tears. He'll never want me back."
Well, I'm willing to take that chance, because by now, I'm pretty much fully aware that he wants nothing to do with me.
And I'm going to cease trying to explain myself over LiveJournal, because really, I'm not accomplishing anything except frustrating myself more and more which isn't anything of a remarkable feat if you ask me.
If he has read my explanations, then he obviously doesn't see validity in them, and there's nothing more I can do about that.
If he hasn't read this... then hopefully one day he will and come find me.
And I will be here if and when he comes looking, which is most likely the saddest part of the whole matter.
For I have a feeling this heart will stop an incomplete one...
A friend said something so true and dismal (due to the indirectly harsh reality check).
"If he really is in love with you, he will swallow his pride."
I think I know the answer to that one, finally.
Mood: depressed
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2007.04.23 04.26
Love You, I Do...
Seriously, I don't even know how I feel anymore. I don't know how to breathe. I don't know how to smile without frowning underneath. Happiness is no longer the constant with sadness once in a while poking its head into the windows of my soul. It's the complete opposite, and I am tired of feeling miserable. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being without him. I know it's all my fault, that I did this to myself; that I, figuratively speaking, stuck the gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger all on my own, but even those who hurt themselves sometimes make it out alive. Why haven't I? All blame aside, how can I miss someone so much without them having an inkling of feeling in return? How can love move backwards on the board and become unrequited? Maybe I'm lost in an idealistically cinematic world where people forgive one another for the worst things, because they love and understand that humans make mistakes. Perhaps I'm unable to differentiate between movie romance and real life. I don't know what's harder: learning what I have about myself, love and life and waiting for the chance to show the improvement of my character to the one person I want to prove myself to, or knowing that the opportunity for that will never come my way. I used to scoff at the women who fell apart over a man, thinking how weak they were for letting a man consume so much of them. Now? I cry because I know I've become that pathetic excuse for a girl, and not so much because I am that, but because I relate to those who have loved and lost, and loved and lost again, and that is a sad realization of fate to come to. I think, what if we are lobsters, meant to be,... "soul mates". What if we give up on each other, and we never find true love again? Because we were meant to move past the obstacles presented to us in this season of "The Inferno" that is life. What if we're not supposed to do what we think is right, what we've been told is right, what we know others will look at as right; something that will gain respect from peers, and prevent people to view us as weak, but instead do what we want, what we feel, what we know would make us happy, whether or not it is the "right" thing to do. This is life, it comes once in this form, we need to take it by the horns and hop on that bull... together, and if we get tossed off again, then so be it, but we can't give up so soon when we know for the moment we would be happy. I just want to live in the now, and the past three months I've barely been living. I feel like a robot, going through the motions, smiling and laughing when expected to, but behind closed doors I only think of the one person that I know would heal these wounds that have become a virus eating away at everything I used to be. I feel like we make sense, like I make sense when I am with you... But I have a feeling these thoughts aren't at all reciprocated, and that kills me. Knowing I am the only one that finds truth in these words, I don't even know how to express the hurt that causes; the confusion. Was there ever mutual love to the same degree in the relationship if there isn't now? When one moves on so fast, that must signify either prior lack of love or better ability to hide one's feelings away in a dusty closet. I can only wish for the latter. This is pointless, isn't it? Hoping for my one and only to come back to me is just as effective and likely as hoping a unicorn will appear on the front doorstep tomorrow morning. Only in dreams will either happen, so I'll stick to sleeping away my life. I wish being ok was as easy for me as it is for him. I wish I could care less about the loss of friendship, or mere communication, like him. I just wish that the one person I want... wanted me, too. That these words could be seen not as views but as signs of my personal growth; not just as apologies, but as admittance of all wrongdoing and willingness to learn from mistakes made.
If these words mean nothing, then overlook them. Continue on as you have been, I will take silence as a final sign that I am truly just too hopeful of a romantic. I've already trained myself not to expect anything but indirect confirmation that the situation will sustain it's stagnancy and remain the way it is...
You might say that it's over
You might say that you don't care
You might say you don't miss me
You don't need me
But I know that you do and I feel that you do
Inside
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2007.04.21 16.23
It can make us stronger.
"It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride." - Anonymous
Please don't do what you think you know is the right thing. Do what feels right; what makes you feel good. If I'm way off, then pay no mind to me. But if I'm not...
Mood: i don't know.
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2007.04.18 20.09
you'll know if you know.
.....
.....
when all you want is to speak,
but there just aren't enough words to say.
Mood: disappointed
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2007.04.12 14.55
i want you to understand, but i know trying is futile.
something that really bothers me is that i had my reasons,
none of which that are excusable or should be validated in any way,
but it's not as black and white as many, if not all, think.
there's so much more underneath the surface.
my wounds go deeper than most will ever know.
it's my fault for seeking answers, but from now on i'm not going to speak of it.
i only get upset in hearing people's "insightful" words full of bias and blame.
i feel so misunderstood and like there's no one there to turn to.
no one that really understands how i feel and this dark place in which i've now come to reside.
it's like these caterpillars are crawling inside me itching to find the light,
but every time they come close to leaving their cocoon and spreading their wings, a bird flies by spewing miscommunications,
sending the caterpillars back down my esophagus only to try and find themselves all over again.
i'm not strong enough. i'm not strong enough for this.
i need to purge myself of the urge to know. the want to understand.
the need to make others understand.
i need to live for me, breathe for me.
or at least start breathing at all.
Mood:  distressed
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2007.04.12 03.51
things have REALLY changed.
Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
Mood: disappointed
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2007.04.06 23.14
it won't even make a difference.
And we wait above a road.
We're turning to go home.
And the silence from the side of the car,
Tells me everything and how we are.
Cause there's no more trying to make this so right.
There's no more trying tonight.
And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone,
And I wonder if, I'm alone in your head.
I know something is wrong,
I just don't know what to do.
You say it's only me, and, that I'm so perfect for you.
I don't want to try no more,
I don't want to make this right.
I just want you to be true to me one time.
And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone,
And I wonder if I'm alone in your head.
Twelve weeks gone by, since I saw you last,
I'll give this one more try,
I'll give it all my best, and, I'll ask
What could you be doing that is so much fun?
Without me by your side,
Without me by your side.
And, I will take a step back, and, I'll let you ahead,
And, I will take a step away, and, see if you come back,
Because there's no more trying to make this so right,
Theres no more trying,
Theres no more trying tonight.
We'll never be the same,
We will never be the same,
We will never be the same,
We will never be the same,
Until you're done.
Mood:  groggy
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2007.04.04 02.40
i'm just another grain of sand on a beach full of broken glass.
it's weird.
when friends are nice to have, i have truckloads of them,
but when i really need them, to help stabilize my emotional being...
they are nowhere to be found.
i can see the tire marks left in the ground leading in a direction far away from me.
right when i am weak and on the ground, everyone kicks me harder.
and even the ones that don't participate in the beating, they still don't wait around after to help pick up the pieces.
few take the effort to lend a hand...or a moment.
but i figured it out.
from the insults and "information" i have been gathering lately,
it seems like the answer is HAVE MONEY?
i truly wish i had a mother and father who would buy me a car, help me find a place to live, give me some food money.
...like everyone else.
cause i guess then i might still have the friends i had before?
and what about the friends i used to be so close with, and don't owe? where have they disappeared to?
i mean, i know everyone's so busy and all, but it seems like there's been time made for others.
i don't know. i guess time apart from me has made some people realize they really don't need me, or simply just don't have room in their life.
it's understandable. just hard to adjust to.
or perhaps i'm just overreacting and distance newly created between myself and those i hold dear to me is freaking me out.
or maybe it's the former and i have become someone of unimportance, and just need to find new people where i can establish significance.
it'll take some time, but i can handle it. seems like a lot of things just need time lately..
if only i was like hiro nakamura(sp?) and could teleport myself into the future.
Mood: sad
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2007.04.02 17.19
music is what gets me by.
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the disguise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry
Mood: ready
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2007.04.01 22.03
somehow, i feel like i have nobody.
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